I realize I've been a horrible blogger lately.

I've myriad excuses.

• My computer is being exceedingly stupid. There is some nasty pop-up thing that we can't get rid of, and so every time I go to a new site, there's an annoying pop-up window to deal with. My dear husband has tried everything to get rid of it and has finally agreed to take it somewhere. To the geeks who can fix it, wherever they are.
• School started - and so begins the tension between how I dream about spending my time and the way I actually need to spend my time. I feel like I'm never very good at managing this, but particularly at the beginning of the school year.
• I've been busy busy busy with preparations for Africa - sending support letters, getting shots (ouch!) and learning all the important stuff in my training manual like making sure to pack the Immodium. Yay.
• I'm not sleeping. It's been seven nights in a row where I just lie there staring at the ceiling. It's not condusive to good writing, I find. My brain is like a bowl full of mush.

So I've been a bad blogger.

I'll do better, I promise.

Yesterday in the mail I got my training manual for my trip to Africa.

I read through the whole thing last night.

And I'm freaked right out.

I honestly can't believe I'm actually going to do this.

So I'm going to start writing out my fears, and if you're the praying sort, you can start praying. Because if there's one thing I learned when Tejan was here - it's that being prayed for is the best thing in all the world. Especially in the midst of fear and confusion.

So here we go:

• I'm nervous about the hours and hours and hours of travel. I don't sleep well in my own bed. How will I ever sleep on a plane? And how will I ever be effective in Sierra Leone if I arrive totally sleep deprived?
• I'm concerned about getting sick. Travel is never good for my digestive system - and when you add strange diseases and new germs to the mix I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable.
• I'm going with a team of people I've never met (except for one) and I won't meet them until the day we fly out. I won't have Asia to be my social liason. How will I do with these total strangers?
• What in the world do I take on a trip to Africa? Which shoes? Which clothes? Do I take makeup? What will I do with my hair? Am I going to take my contacts along or just wear my glasses the whole time?
• How am I ever going to manage to say goodbye to Tejan again?

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Frankly, I'm could easily be consumed with fear and doubt. But I don't really want to go there. I want to trust God with all of this... but it's so hard. I couldn't sleep last night while all of these questions ran through my mind...

It's really scary to walk into another venture when I know God will use it to break my heart even further...

So if you're the praying sort...

I simply can hardly believe that I have an 8th grader, a 6th grader and a 3rd grader.

But I do.

Aren't they getting big?

Seems like it was just yesterday I was taking them to their first day of preschool...

We received our first letter from Tejan today:

"Kisses! Kisses! Love! Love!

Dear the Goins family,

How are you doing? I hope you are doing fine and well. I was so blessed to come to your home last summer. Thank you so much for being kind to me, may God bless you all and keep you safe in your daily work. I was so happy to see my brothers and sisters back home. I want you to know that I had a safe trip back to Sierra Leone. I love you all in Christ. Amen.

Hi Aunty Cathy, this is me Tejan. How are you doing? I love you so much and I am doing fine with my exercises. My mouth is opening wide. I am doing my exercise every day and my legs are still ok, thanks be to God.

Please give for me Ethan, Savannah, Kyler, Uncle Asia, Maddie, Maddie's mom and dad, Sydney and her family - give them for me a huge hug. Also greet for me the Arguinchonas, the Tesariks and the Swobodas. Please tell them that I love them all.

Aunty Cathy, I want you to give Ethan and Savannah a very and awesome special hug.

My friends and my brothers and sister and families are sending greetings to you all. And we are all doing fine and well here in Africa, although it is hot.

I've got so many things to tell you but this is all Ican tell you for now. God bless you all in Jesus name. Lots of love and kisses.

Tejan"

So my trip to Sierra Leone is definitely happening.

I go in on Wednesday to get my shots. Yellow Fever. Typhoid. Hepatitis A and B.

Fun.

I can't tell you how settled my heart is, knowing I'll get to see T. in his home.

Having the opportunity to meet his friends and eat his food and see his life is so huge for me.

I'll be there for a full week, with five full days of traveling.

And here's where you come in...

I never imagined I would ever ask you, my faithful blog readers, for anything except comments.

But I have to raise funds to help pay for this trip.

As you can imagine, a plane ticket to Africa is expensive. (Around $2400 expensive...)

I've been saving money since January for our family to be able to go see T. We're still hoping to go in 2009...

But I don't even have enough yet to pay for my own trip. In addition to my plane ticket, I have other expenses to cover as well, so my total for the trip will be around $3500.

So I wanted to give you the opportunity to give.

And hey, it's tax deductible!

If you're interested, I'd love an email from you letting me know.

I'll pop a letter off to you and tell you how you can donate.

And I'm in a bit of a hurry, too. So if you're interested, could you let me know ASAP?

It feels so awkward to ask.

But so many of your were such a huge support to me as I walked through the journey of falling in love with my little boy from Africa... I wanted to give you the chance to support me in a new way.

You can email me at: cathygoestoafrica at q.com.

Thanks, friends.

(And if you can't give or choose not to and you just want to receive prayer letters and requests, let me know that too.)

Smooches!

E. was asked by a friend of ours to be in his latest video... here's the finished product. Watch for the flashback.

We welcomed a boy into our home.

We opened our hearts to a love that would stretch across oceans.

We began our journey with Tejan.

I can hardly believe it's been a year since he came.

It's been a tough week for me... the marking of time always gets me in one way or another... and in this case, I've been struggling with the emotion of acknowledging that a year ago we were getting to know him... I have such vivid memories of the challenge of those first few days.

How can it possibly have been a year ago?

I still miss him terribly.

His scrawny little hand in mine.

His laughter.

His helpfulness.

While I plug through my days and find many areas of my life completely back to 'normal', I am amazed to find the hole in my heart is no smaller with the passage of time.

I think I thought it would be.

Saturday we enjoyed a short bike ride and a picnic along the Spokane river... I'm really trying to drink in the end of summer and take advantage of every opportunity to enjoy the outdoors before the cold weather sets in.

It was a great afternoon. Isn't this a pretty place for a picnic?

When Asia and I lived in Eugene at the beginning of our marriage, we had the privilege of working together at a group home for severely abused kids. It was really and truly a family - the founders lived there full time and we were part of the ten or so staff who were scheduled from 1:00 to 10:00 each day. Our time there included activities, work projects, dinner, hanging out with the kids, bedtime and debriefing each evening. Of course, since there were major behavioral issues with these kids, each day held little surprises, like having to do physical holds on kids who were out of control and things like being spit on (or in my case, peed on). It was a challenging job. But it was rewarding. Asia and I still talk about our days at Jasper with great fondness.

When you're working alongside others in that kind of intense environment, you tend to bond pretty strongly. It's similar to a camp experience, only heightened by the intense nature of the kids' issues and the interventions necessary to deal with their behaviors.

David was one of the first staff members we got to know - he shared our faith, and his quirky sense of humor gave comic relief on more than one occasion. He was sort of a big brother to me at work - teasing and challenging, but always supportive and helpful. He was one of the hardest workers I've ever met - pushing through all day work projects long after the rest of us had petered out.

Yesterday David's wife called to let me know that he'd passed away.

He was 44.

They'd gone on to have six children.

All afternoon and evening I walked around saying "David Brenda is dead."

I just can't wrap my head around it.

He was the kind of guy who was so full of life
and passion for his kids
and love for the outdoors
and faith that didn't sit...

David was always challenging
and loving
and using his hands for God's glory.

He was a true friend.
An amazing father.
A supportive husband.

A great guy.


A massive heart attack.

Gone. Instantly.

You just never know...


So today, I remember my friend...

1. I drove back to the west side over the weekend... I had a work-related event to attend and I had to pick up the kids from my parents. It was a great weekend. I attended classes all day on Sunday with my boss - making lots of fun projects and getting to play with all kinds of new products. My folks were kind enough to drive the kids up to Vancouver (WA) on Monday so we could leave from there instead of going all the way to Astoria to get them.
2. My favorite new stuff? Cosmo Crickets Mr. Campy and Haunted lines. Oh dear. I simply must have it all... We made the cutest little mini album with Mr. Campy...
3. It's so good to have the kids home. As much as a quiet, empty house sounds lovely, it's pretty boring. I missed them more than I imagined I would and am so glad to have them home.
4. Grandma and Grandpa spoiled them fully while they were there, taking them to museums and out for hamburgers and to two different bakeries and to Starbucks and buying them new school clothes and going camping in the RV overnight... the kids had a blast. And I'm sure my parents are in recovery mode this week after a very full and noisy and busy week last week. I'm so thankful for the week's worth of memories stored up in the kids' minds... that's what childhood is for, eh? Good stuff.
5. School starts two weeks from yesterday. Summer went WAY too fast this year. I'm really hoping to fill up the next 13 days with lots of fun activities and rest and relaxation and drinking in my kids... I can't seem to get enough of them these days.
6. My friend Suzanne turned me on to this artist... I'm fascinated and intrigued and want to move to London so I can find one of these teeny tiny vignettes...
7. It was 110 degrees as I drove through the Columbia River Gorge on Saturday... today it's cool and rainy. Talk about extremes. The kids and I got to watch a fantastic four hour long thunderstorm on our drive home Monday. At one point we were racing and dodging dozens of tumbleweeds rolling down the freeway, being blown by the wind almost as fast as we were. So cool. I love interesting weather and the change of seasons.
8. Making me happy right now? My two oldest kids sleeping in while Ethan lies on the floor next to me setting up his army men in an elaborate battle. Love how this kid can play alone for hours like that. He's always done that. The other two never did - they always wanted a playmate - but E. can entertain himself with a bucket of 'guys' and be happy for the longest time. And he's quiet... whispering little shooting sounds and 'Ughhhhhhh' as soldiers meet their demise... it's a sweet remnant of little boy-ness that I'm holding tight to as my kids seem to be outgrowing childhood and moving on to young-adulthood. I love who they're becoming, but I sense the need to cherish my little guy more than ever... because before I know it, the army men will be put away and he'll be leaving the house as often as the older two and I'll find myself wondering what happened to my babies...
9. On my nightstand right now? This and this and this. Am I the only weirdo who reads several books at once?
10. Happy Wednesday, friends. Smooches!

One of my favorite things about blogging is the fact that it gives me this very easy format to look back on my life. I can go over to my archives, pull up a month and read where I was and what I was doing at the time. The longer I blog, the more profound these online retrospections become. They bring stories that would have normally been forgotten back to mind and remind me of the struggles, joys and beauty of everyday life.

As anyone who's blogged for any length of time knows, there are seasons to blogging. There are times when the blog is amazing. Words flow from my fingers and subject matter is abundant. I'm fun to read, full of insight, and have the time and energy to take and post well composed and edited photos that enhance each story. That's when blogging is really fun. I'm on the proverbial roll.

And then there are the other times. Times when I know I should post, but have nothing to say. When life just seems SO blah and my brain can't think of anything at all to share.

Lately, it's been the latter, here at Thoughts From the Deep Recesses.

And it's been this way for several months.

I woke up early this morning and was thinking through my day. Quite honestly, one of the first things that ran through my head was "Thank goodness I posted a Tuesday Ten yesterday - I don't have to blog today."

I caught myself. Why has blogging become such a chore?

So I pondered that for a bit.

And I thought through some of my best blogging - which I believe happened through our whole experience with Tejan.

And then it hit me.

Those months of deep, insightful posts full of sometimes overwhelming emotion and desperate crying out to God? Those were great, but they were exhausting.

And this boring, not very insightful past few months of posts?

Well, those are the grace of a God who knows me SO well and knows that I needed rest.

I've been struggling with feeling like a boring blogger, and all along God's been giving me a boring, easy, simple, soothing and calm life because I went through eight months of difficult, challenging life-changing involvement with an orphan from Africa.

I guess He thought I needed a break.

So while four months of sort of unispiring posts may have left me (and you) wanting, I see now that it was just my sweet Savior, once again knowing my needs way better than I do, and giving me exactly what my soul craved.

Rest. Normalcy. Routine.

A sabbatical from the kind of stuff that prompts great blogging.

And yet, looking back, the past four months of posts have been great.

Because they highlight the very things I needed.

Track meets.
Family reunions.
Crochet projects.
Earrings that were lost and then found.
Crazy bird stories.
Mosquito bites.
Bloomsday.


No doctors appointments or surgeries or heart wrenching struggles with loving a boy from another continent...

And that's okay.

Because obviously, I needed a rest.

So today I'll blog another little alter to the goodness of a God who knows me better than I know myself.

And we'll just see what I blog about tomorrow... and the next day... and the next.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

1. Remember how excited I was to enjoy the cool weather at the beach? I was just as glad to get back to Spokane to enjoy what's left of summer. We had cool, cloudy weather the whole week we were at the coast and only saw the sun peek out two or three times the whole time. It didn't spoil our vacation, but I'm glad I could come back to some warmth and sunshine... I'm not ready for summer weather to end.
2. I'm all alone in my house this week. The kids stayed behind at Grandma's house and Asia is working out of town this week. So it's me and Gracie. Can you imagine? I haven't had the house to myself for this long EVER! It's strange and quiet and wonderful and weird. And quiet.
3. Our friend Jay took care of the dog while we were gone. She got to go live at his house with 5 other 20-somethings and slobber all over their stuff. She always worries herself sick when we're gone and this trip was no exception. Fortunately, I've got medicine I can give her that helps get her tummy back to normal after a couple of days... poor dog. Poor me - the gas coming out of her is almost unbearable. It's like living with a skunk.
4. The boss is on vacation this week so I'm working three full days at the store and teaching three classes. Nothing like diving right back into it, eh? It's good though... I've got oodles of class samples to get done and I can usually accomplish quite a bit in between customers... can you believe I'm already working on Christmas projects in my head? Yikes.
5. I made Amish Baked Oatmeal for breakfast one morning at the beach house. Can you say yum? Seriously. Just try it. You'll be so glad you did. It's SO good.
6. I'm reading Unchristian right now. Wow. What an eye opener. Anyone who's interested in culture and Christianity needs to read this book. I'm saddened and motivated by it in such a powerful way...
7. My kitchen counter is full of fruit from my favorite summer fruit stand. Peaches, blueberries, apples, tomatoes, cantaloupe. Can summer last longer, please?
8. Savannah's MP3 player went through the washer at the beach house. It didn't work for 5 days, but when we got home and plugged it into the charger, it magically came on and is now working just fine. She's a lucky girl. I have a strict "go through your own pockets" policy for the laundry so I don't have a lot of sympathy for my kids when stuff goes through the wash. I wash, dry, and fold it all, so it's the least they can do to be responsible for their own pockets...
9. I watched Atonement last night. Hated it. I should have watched the Olympics instead. At least they keep me awake...
10. Happy Tuesday, friends. Smooches!

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

We're leaving in the morning for our annual trip to the coast... we stay in a beach house that we rent with my brother and his family.

This is the eighth year we've gone.

I never get tired of it.

I'm particularly ready for it this year.

I've much to ponder in the sand.

My head clears more quickly to the sound of the surf than I can ever hope it to in the midst of daily chores and responsibilites.

And so - this year - when I've been so stretched and am struggling to find myself in the midst of my recent experiences, I welcome the waves and the wind and the seemingly endless expanse of the shoreline.

God and I have some talking to do.

And there's no better place for that than the beach.

It'll be a good week.

Smooches, dear ones.
I'll be back...

1. A reason to wear a hoodie... I get tired of tank tops and shorts all summer long. I love that it's cool and crisp at the beach in the morning and I need to pull on a sweatshirt.
2. Asia's long morning walks - every day when we're at the beach house, Asia gets up early and goes for a walk into town. Sometimes I get up and go with him, and sometimes I roll over and am thankful that I can sleep for another half hour.
3. I always save up my magazines for about a month before we go to the beach... it's so fun to finally get to pull them out and read them.
4. Sharing a pot of coffee with my brother each morning...
5. Watching the kids play. No matter how old they get, when you combine water and rocks and sand, the kids play. And play. And play.
6. S'mores.
7. Day trips... my brother is really good at finding fun things for us to do together. The Oregon Coast is full of so many fun places to go.
8. The yellow bedroom Asia and I share is so happy...
9. Sharing meals. I love cooking for people - and I love cooking at the beach house, with the window open and the breeze blowing.
10. The inexplicable way the sound of the waves and the breeze and the sand and the majesty of the ocean feed my soul. I'm a beach girl at heart.

I have more cherries than I know what to do with... But we sure had fun this morning... Cherry picking is so easy - there were literally handfuls hanging on every branch - it took no time at all to fill our four buckets. And now I have a teeny tiny bit of a tummy ache. But I'm still eating. Yum. Cherries.

We rode from Harrison, Idaho to Hayford State Park yesterday.

About 17 miles round trip.

Our friends, Justin and Tarah came along with their two little boys.

I'm loving this trail... yesterday's portion rode right along the banks of Lake Coeur D'Alene. We saw blue heron, osprey, and a river otter.

I'm a happy girl whenever you combine family time with a decent picnic... and we had both yesterday.

Good stuff.

I had the day off from work. I don't think, in the almost five years I've worked at the store, that I've had a Friday off unless I was going out of town for some reason or another. Or maybe a birthday or anniversary.

So having today, just a normal summer Friday, off from work was a treat.

I managed to make the most of it...

• I started the day with an hour long walk with Gracie. We went to Manito Park, my favorite place in the world to walk...
• I started the laundry when I got home - I proceeded to get four loads washed. Everything dried outside on the line, except for the last load, which is still out there sucking up the summer sunshine.
• Kyler and I tackled our front sidewalk - which has lately started sprouting weeds and hadn't had a good cleaning at all this year. It ended up being a huge job that grew as it went along. We ended up edging the whole lawn too and laying the extra sod we pulled up on our bare patches. Too bad I showered before we did all that work. I was sweaty and dirty and exhausted by the time we finished.
• Asia and I went to the library and the grocery store together. I bought $53 worth of groceries for $19. I've become quite the sale hound and coupon clipper... just trying to make our $$$ stretch a little further...
• I started meal planning for our annual trip to the beach... planning delicious meals for vacation is one of my favorite things to do. I love feeding people.
• The kids and I cleaned the house - top to bottom.
• I started reading some of my books from the library... while sitting in the sunshine on the deck and drinking lemonade. Isn't summer grand?

Tomorrow we're tackling leg two of our journey on the Trail of the Coeur D'Alene's. We're planning an 18 mile ride...

Happy Friday, everyone. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Smooch you all!